Introduction
Are you trying to disciple others (or even manage your own life) while the most frustrating, unavoidable relationship, your relationship with yourself, is still out of order? Here is the central lesson I want to press into your heart: wisdom in Proverbs teaches me to live well by ruling my desires under the fear of the Lord, because without self-control my life becomes vulnerable and eventually collapses.
We’ve been learning that Proverbs is “instruction for life,” and if you zoom out, it’s almost “instruction for relationships.” It starts with the most important relationship, the fear of the Lord (Prov. 1:7), because if I don’t get right with God, I won’t receive His instruction rightly. Then Proverbs speaks into relationships with words, friendships, neighbors, marriage, and more. But apart from my relationship with God, there’s one relationship that impacts every other one: me. I follow myself everywhere. I’m often the first to create my problems and the last to accept blame. Scripture refuses to let me scapegoat everyone else. One of the great enemies of my life is my own disordered desires. That’s why we need the wisdom of self-control.
Main Points
Are you trying to disciple others (or even manage your own life) while the most frustrating, unavoidable relationship, your relationship with yourself, is still out of order? Here is the central lesson I want to press into your heart: wisdom in Proverbs teaches me to live well by ruling my desires under the fear of the Lord, because without self-control my life becomes vulnerable and eventually collapses.
We’ve been learning that Proverbs is “instruction for life,” and if you zoom out, it’s almost “instruction for relationships.” It starts with the most important relationship, the fear of the Lord (Prov. 1:7), because if I don’t get right with God, I won’t receive His instruction rightly. Then Proverbs speaks into relationships with words, friendships, neighbors, marriage, and more.
But apart from my relationship with God, there’s one relationship that impacts every other one: me. I follow myself everywhere. I’m often the first to create my problems and the last to accept blame. Scripture refuses to let me scapegoat everyone else. One of the great enemies of my life is my own disordered desires. That’s why we need the wisdom of self-control.
A City Without Walls
Proverbs gives a picture that is hard to forget:
“Whoever has no rule over his own spirit is like a city broken down, without walls.” (Prov. 25:28)
In the ancient world, walls were not decorative, they were survival. A city’s economy, justice, and peace depended on secure boundaries. When walls fell, enemies came in, order collapsed, and ruin followed. That’s the point: God designed me as a “little society” of thoughts, appetites, impulses, emotions, and desires, and those need boundaries.
When I can’t rule my spirit, I become spiritually and relationally exposed. I start living like a breached city: anything can enter, anything can dominate, and I’m left cleaning up rubble.
And if you want proof, just listen to how many of our problems begin with “self”: self-deception, self-pity, self-conceit, self-importance, self-centeredness, self-indulgence, often ending in self-harm. Temptation leading to sin is usually an “inside job.”
The Near Warning: Honey Can Make You Sick
Proverbs warns me first with an immediate, near-sighted example:
“Have you found honey? Eat only as much as you need, lest you be filled with it and vomit.” (Prov. 25:16)
Honey isn’t condemned. It’s sweet. It’s a gift. The issue is overindulgence, taking a good thing in such excess that it turns on me.
We live in a culture of volume and overconsumption. For most of us, it isn’t literal honey, but the principle lands quickly:
- scrolling on my phone until I feel hollow
- entertainment that becomes escape
- gaming, shopping, spending, eating, drinking, too much
- constant news, constant alerts, constant input
- working too long, staying up too late
- worrying until my mind won’t rest
- lust that trains my heart to want more and more
Proverbs is loving enough to say: if you won’t apply the brakes, your body and your life will eventually pull an emergency brake for you. God is warning me early because He doesn’t want ruin later.
The Far Warning: Loss of Control Becomes Poverty
If I ignore the early warnings, Proverbs also gives a long-view warning:
“Do not mix with winebibbers, or with gluttonous eaters of meat, for the drunkard and the glutton will come to poverty….” (Prov. 23:20–21)
This isn’t aimed at someone who occasionally enjoys a feast. This is describing a person whose pattern is overindulgence, someone ruled by appetite. The outcome is predictable: poverty, rags, drowsiness, and diminished life.
Even if my situation never becomes that extreme externally, the principle still holds: when my passion rules me long enough, it doesn’t merely cost me “a bad weekend.” It reshapes me. It trains me. It narrows my freedom until I’m no longer steering my life at all.
Self-control isn’t optional because the stakes aren’t small.
The Reward: Long-Term Health Over Urgent Pleasure
God’s warnings are never meant to shove me into a spiritual straightjacket; they’re meant to lead me into life. Here’s a simple definition that captures the reward Proverbs is offering:
Self-control is the ability to use sound judgment (wisdom) to choose the important thing over the urgent thing, resulting in long-term health rather than short-lived pleasure.
That’s deeply aligned with the wisdom call to trust God’s design (see Prov. 3). When I live His way, it becomes “health to your bones” and adds stability and blessing to my days.
Proverbs applies this reward to everyday areas, like speech:
“Whoever guards his mouth preserves his life, but he who opens wide his lips shall have destruction.” (Prov. 13:3)
Guarding my mouth is like rebuilding a wall around a vulnerable gate. When I refuse restraint, relationships suffer, friendships, family, and especially marriage. But when I bridle my tongue (the imagery fits with the broader Bible), my words can bring life and strengthen every relationship I touch.
And we all know this principle is observable: discipline in any area yields fruit. But Proverbs wants more than “success stories.” It wants a heart that is rightly ordered before God.
The Hidden Root: Seeking My Own Glory
Here is where Proverbs gets underneath behavior and exposes worship. Right before the “city without walls” verse, we read:
“It is not good to eat much honey, so to seek one’s own glory is not glory.” (Prov. 25:27)
Notice the link: overindulgence and self-rule problems connect to self-glory. When I seek my own glory, I am putting myself at the center. I’m not just “struggling with habits”, I’m worshiping at the altar of me. I’m treating my appetites as ultimate and my satisfaction as supreme.
This matters because self-control is never merely a technique. It’s not only about boundaries. It’s about who sits on the throne of my heart.
The Only Safe Refuge: Run to the Lord’s Name
Here’s the crucial correction: when I hear a message about self-control, I’m tempted to think, “I just need to try harder.” But Proverbs warns me not to turn discipline into self-salvation:
“A wise man fears and departs from evil, but a fool rages and is self-confident.” (Prov. 14:16)
Self-confidence can be its own trap. Over-controlling myself can be just as spiritually dangerous as being out of control, legalism is no holier than lust. If I try to repair my broken walls by pure willpower, I may swing from indulgence to pride, from chaos to condemnation, from “I can’t stop” to “I don’t need God.”
So where does the wise person go when the wall is breached?
“The name of the LORD is a strong tower; the righteous run to it and are safe.” (Prov. 18:10)
In a besieged city, the wall is not the final defense, the tower is. When the breach happens and the enemy closes in, the people run to the tower of refuge.
That’s what I must do with my temptations and my cracks. I don’t start by rebuilding the wall in my own strength. I run to the Lord. In weakness, He is my defense. In success, He is my righteousness. In temptation, He is my escape and my safety.
This is how we avoid the two wrong outcomes of a “self-control sermon”:
- condemnation (“I’m hopeless; I always overindulge”)
- pride (“I’ve got this; I’m disciplined; I don’t need grace”)
The gospel-shaped path is different: I give up control to the One who truly rules. And from that refuge, He trains me into wise, disciplined living.
Conclusion
Self-control isn’t mainly about becoming impressive; it’s about becoming protected and free. Without rule over my spirit, I’m a city without walls, open to invasion and eventual ruin. Proverbs warns me with the immediate sickness of overindulgence and the long-term poverty of enslaving appetites. But it also offers a reward: the peace and health of choosing what matters most over what feels most urgent.
The key is not self-glory or self-confidence. The key is worship and refuge. When my walls crack, I don’t pretend I can save myself. I run to the strong tower, the name of the Lord, and from that safety, I learn to live wisely, with desires put in their rightful place.
Lord, You are the beginning of wisdom, and I confess that so often my lack of self-control reveals that I am seeking my own glory. Forgive me for overindulgence, for blaming others, and for trying to manage my life without running to You.
Make Your name a strong tower to me. When temptation rises and my walls feel weak, teach me to flee to You instead of trusting myself. Reorder my desires, bridle my tongue, and give me wisdom to choose what is important over what is urgent. Let my life be guarded, steady, and fruitful, not for my glory, but for Yours.
In Jesus’ name, amen.
Conclusion
Self-control isn’t mainly about becoming impressive; it’s about becoming protected and free. Without rule over my spirit, I’m a city without walls, open to invasion and eventual ruin. Proverbs warns me with the immediate sickness of overindulgence and the long-term poverty of enslaving appetites. But it also offers a reward: the peace and health of choosing what matters most over what feels most urgent.
The key is not self-glory or self-confidence. The key is worship and refuge. When my walls crack, I don’t pretend I can save myself. I run to the strong tower, the name of the Lord, and from that safety, I learn to live wisely, with desires put in their rightful place.
Closing Prayer
Lord, You are the beginning of wisdom, and I confess that so often my lack of self-control reveals that I am seeking my own glory. Forgive me for overindulgence, for blaming others, and for trying to manage my life without running to You.
Make Your name a strong tower to me. When temptation rises and my walls feel weak, teach me to flee to You instead of trusting myself. Reorder my desires, bridle my tongue, and give me wisdom to choose what is important over what is urgent. Let my life be guarded, steady, and fruitful, not for my glory, but for Yours.
In Jesus’ name, amen.